REMEMBERING BUFFY

by - Kass Shakespeare

TITLE	REMEMBERING BUFFY
AUTHOR	Kass Shakespeare
DATE	5/25/01
DISCLAIMER	Joss' world.
DISTRIBUTION	One Good Day newsgroup.
RATING	PG
SPOILERS	Through "The Gift"
SUMMARY	Mainly is about Spike's feelings....and a little surprise at the end.

Spike sighed deeply and slowly walked down the street. He had been at Buffy's grave again, like every night since they buried her two months ago. He never thought it would still hurt that much like in the moment when he had realized she was dead. His Slayer, dead, the only person her really loved in his life, he knew that for sure now. He had loved Dru, but it was completely different. Their love had been need and desire, something dark, but his love for Buffy was something pure. She had replaced his lost soul, and now she was gone. He had thought about throwing himself into sunlight several times, but something always kept him from doing that. Maybe it was the feeling that he was in some way responsible for the ones she left behind, for Dawn. The only thing that still made sense is his unlife was fulfilling her work.

Spike hadn't noticed that he was walking towards her house, he just did it instinctively, like every evening. And then he found himself standing in front of her window, looking up to see her, but she never showed. Sometimes he even thought he heard her laugh or smelled her vanilla shampoo on her blonde hair. But that was just wishful thinking. He still couldn't believe that she was really gone, it shouldn't have been. She wasn't supposed to die, she was his Slayer, his Buffy! How many nights had he laid awake and prayed, begged that someone would hear him and bring her back, but he knew it was in vain. She would never come back. He would never see her again, not even after his own death because he sure as hell wouldn't go to heaven. And she simply had to be there. Spike stood on the sidewalk in front of the house and looked up to the window. Of course she wouldn't be there, she never would. But something deep inside him always told him not to lose hope. Maybe he was simply going crazy and this was the only way the pain inside him didn't destroy him. He still knew how he had felt that night when he had seen her body on the ground, dead. He felt like everything was falling apart and nothing made sense anymore. Deep inside his undead heart he felt a pain that was worse than any other physical pain he had ever experienced. It tore him apart until the only thing he wanted was to die, but he couldn't.

He sighed deeply, blowing out the smoke from the cigarette he had lit just before and wanted to make his way back to his crypt as he suddenly heard the door open behind him. But that wasn't all, he heard Willow and Tara laughing happily and turned around to face them.

"Hey Spike," Willow said with an expression of joy on her face. He raised an eyebrow at her, wondering why she wasn't all sad and depressed anymore.

"Hello," he said calmly.

Willow and Tara still smiled at him as Willow's eyes suddenly widened. "Oh my god!"

"What?" Tara asked with an concerned look.

"Hehe doesn't know yet," the red-haired stammered.

"Know what?" Spike felt nervous. Something had changed, he could feel it.

Tara made an understanding face and faintly said "Oh."

"Spike, Iwe..have to tell you something." Willow continued, not knowing how to find the right words.

"Yeah, you will be very happy," Tara added and smiled brightly.

Spike eyed them curiously. What the hell could they possibly tell him to make him happy? There was nothing.

"Well, um." Willow hesitated. "Buffy's back," she said quickly.

Spike jaw dropped open. "I.I just thought you said Buffy's back. C-c-can you repeat thatplease!" he almost choked his words.

"We brought her back. There was a ritual, and now she is alive again. She is back," Tara explained with a .huge smile. She wanted to add something and explain .he ritual to him but he was already running towards the door. The few meters across the front yard seemed like an endless distance and the wooden door of the house looked like the Gates of Troja to him, giant and .solid. It seemed like slow motion and he almost .couldn't bear the distance between them anymore. But .finally he was inside of the house. He looked over to .the kitchen and there he saw her, her back to him, holding her sister in her arms and talking to Giles. He just froze. He stood there in the hall, gazing at her, unable to say a word or even move. She looked like he had remembered her, the same beautiful sweet Slayer, but he couldn't realize it was really her.

"B-b-buffy," he finally managed to say, but it was more a choked whisper.

She had heard him, she turned around slowly. Her blonde hair swung around her beautiful face and then her hazel eyes met his. It was only a second or two but it seemed like eternity. He was drowning in the depths of her gaze.

"Spike!" she said with a slight smile.

He still stared at her, not able to think of what to .do next.

"Buffy," he said again, this time stronger. It was her, it was really her, no illusion, no fake, it was his Slayer.

He regained control of his body and mind and with one .jump he rushed towards her, not caring if she would be .angry with him or even stake him for what he was going .to do. Before she could react her grabbed her around .her waist and pulled her close to him, hugging her. He just wanted to hold her forever. It felt so good to .have her body pressed against his, knowing she was alive. He would never let her go, never!

Buffy didn't respond on the embrace at first, maybe it was a bit of a surprise for her, but then she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him back. Spike felt tears well in his eyes. This was the moment .he hadn't even dared to dream about. He never thought it was going to happen, although he had wished it, but he never expected it to come true. He couldn't fight the emotions that were stirring inside of him and felt a single cold tear run down his cheek.

Buffy slowly pulled away and looked into his eyes. "Hey," she said with a friendly smile. "I take it, you missed me."

What a stupid question, of course he did! What did she think. He had missed her in every second of those two months, especially when he had been alone. He had missed her more than he ever missed Dru, more than he would ever miss someone again.

He still looked into her eyes and saw her frown a little. She slowly reached her hand up to his cheek and gently brushed his tear away.

Although he wanted to see more, he only saw friendship and sympathy in her eyes. He knew she would never see more in him than only a friend, but even that was more than he could have wished some months ago. And now the only thing that mattered was that she was alive. He pulled free and stepped back. "Sorry," he said.

"Don't be sorry, everybody reacted like this," she said and still smiled.

Spike felt like collapsing right on the floor. All the pain and despair he had felt in the past two months just vanished from him. She was back, he couldn't tell that himself often enough. His Slayer had come back, and if not to him then at least to his life. She would always be a part of it. And he also was a part of hers. Maybe one day he would have a chance with her, but that didn't seem important right now. All that matters was that he could look into her beautiful eyes
again and see her smile, and he would for a very long time.

~ The End ~