SECRETS REVEALED

by - Juleen

TITLE:	SECRETS REVEALED
AUTHOR:	Juleen
DISCLAIMER:	Yeah right they're all mine, phfft, dream on
RATING:	PG-13
SPOILERS:	Through S6
FEEDBACK:	Yes, please. <grin>
SUMMARY:	Buffy finds out about Spike's soul
AUTHOR'S NOTE:	Thanks to Chen for starting me on the right path, and Mezz for helping me reach my destination.

Spike got a what?" Buffy looked at Anya like she had suddenly grew a third eye and horns.

"A soul! Spike has a soul, I can smell it." Anya met Buffy's eyes, "Now he's not the evil soulless thing that  some people think he is."

"What they give these out at the 7eleven now?" Buffy's thoughts started churning,  visions  of all the  heinous things he would have had  to do to get a soul made her sick. "Oh God, I knew I should have just staked him long ago. I don't think I  want to know what he did to be punished."

"Punished? You think this is a curse, don't you?" Anya laughed nervously, one part  of her mortified at his failure as a demon, the other side proud that he could accomplish something of this magnitude. " Well. rumor has it that he earned it. Not quite sure how much to believe , but most times the demon grapevine is  pretty reliable."

Buffy took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "Are you sure about this?"

"Well pretty sure, unless... I might be getting a cold or there's another gas leak around here somewhere, but it sure smells like a soul to me." Anya  turned back to trying to clean up the  mess that used to be the Magic  Box, leaving Buffy standing in the rubble wondering at what point the world got knocked off it's axis.

****************

"Anya thinks you have a soul. Do you?" Buffy watched Spike's face waiting for the hint of a lie. Crossing her arms over her chest she waited for the telltale rise in his voice he always got when he wasn't telling the truth, or the little boy look of just getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  Buffy wondered to herself  how  he could have ever passed the  'Lying for Vampires' class. 

"A soul?" Spike looked down at the floor contemplating what his answer would be. The whole question seemed like a giant quagmire just waiting for him to step in it. "Now why would I go do something stupid like that? OK, that's bloody funny. Vampire, remember? Glad to see you  gettin' your sense of humor back Slayer." His voice caught as it rose an octave higher.  His hands punctuating his words fluttered  through the air like a pair of uproosted birds with no where to land.  "Vampires and souls really don't mix now do they? Except maybe for a cursed  vampire. Do I look like Angel all broody
and with bad hair?"

Buffy's heart raced. She had been waiting for the lie that he had a soul, but she wasn't prepared for the lie that he didn't have one. "Anya was right? Was she right that  you earned it too?"

Watching her face for a hint of what she was thinking, Spike struggled with how much or how little to tell her. Bragging didn't seem right, lying wasn't working. Taking a breath he whispered "Yup, fought for it and earned it fair and square. It's all mine."  

"What the hell did you do that for?" She felt like her legs  had been pulled out from under her and she was waiting for the floor to hit her in the face. "You stupid idiot! Why?"

Spike looked at her, he had expected to see happiness, maybe surprise, but anger wasn't on his list. "Seems I buggered up the soulless thing right well, so thought maybe I'd see what was happening  on the other channel." 

"This is about me, isn't it? About what happened that night in my bathroom?" Buffy felt her heart miss a beat as she remembered the look on his face after she kicked him off of her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for betraying your trust. I'm sorry for being what I am...was." Spike slumped  against the sarcophagus, wishing he had a cigarette but... out with the old, in with the new.

"Spike you hurt me. It hurt that I did trust you and that I shouldn't have. It hurt that you tried to do what you did." Buffy took a deep breath,  "but I forgave you before you ever slammed out of the house. I finally figured out that it wasn't all about me. That there were two of us in that relationship, and that you deserved more than to be scraped off my shoe like a used piece of gum." All the emotions that she had kept inside for months...  things she could only say to him, and things she should  have said a  long time ago and had been afraid to, all  fighting at once for escape.

Spike took a deep breath hoping to clam the feeling of overwhelming dread that  threatened to drown him, "I thought this was what you needed. To trust me again." Spike could feel the sting of unshed  tears behind his eyes, biting down on his bottom lip he tried to control the emotions that threatened to engulf him . " It was what I needed to trust me. To trust me with Dawn, to trust me with you... to trust my love for you. I knew why you could never love me, and why I could never be loved." 

"Dammit Spike! You were right all along." Grabbing him by the shoulders she spun him around bringing them face to face. Looking into his eyes, Buffy felt like she was seeing him for the very first time, and realizing she would never see a part of him again." Spike,  I did love you. Not what you were, but I loved who you were.

Taking a deep breath she pulled him against her, wrapping her arms around his neck. "What if the part of you that I loved is the part that's changed... or gone?"  Burying her face in the crook of his neck she held him tight afraid that what was left would slip away too. "I loved you."

Spike sighed as he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair, a long held back tear sliding down his cheek.  "Now you tell me!"