BLEEDING

by - Caitlin

TITLE	BLEEDING
AUTHOR	Caitlin
PARTS	2/2
DISCLAIMER	Characters by Joss Whedon, etc.
SUMMARY	Spike tries to run from what's happening to him and what's happened, but things never work out that way and who said living and feeling like a human was ever easy? Spike POV throughout.
RATING	PG-13 Language and angsty thoughts.
SPOILERS	Up to including The Gift (Yup one of those)
FEEDBACK	Much appreciated, I used to write some fic but don't really any more because well, basically, I suck. Huh, really shouldn't tell you that when you're about to read this should I? Oh well, too late.

God, I've not just broken my promise once now, once which lead to the death of the Slayer, but twice and if I lose the Nibblet too..... *"Not well known for keeping your promises,"* Yeah you were right Slayer. So why didn't you remember that? Why the hell did you give me a chance? I'm not my ponce of a Sire, I'm not Captain Cardboard, I'm me and all I could do was hope that was enough for you, and I thought, near the end it might be. But with you gone pet, you're so much a part of me, that it's like I don't exist anymore. And that's not enough. Not enough to keep that promise and Dawn'll suffer because of it. You never should have had any faith in me pet, I don't deserve it.

I'm so deep in this pathetic brooding that I almost miss a small figure. Really just a huddle of cloth and hair, burrowing into her coat by the side of a road. In front of a fence which seperates the highway from fields and forrests. She's got one arm wrapped around her shivering little body, the other held up, thump poised, exposed to the harsh bitter winds. A rucksack slung over her back.

Even from here I can see her hand's shaking and I'm suddenly swept over by this inexplicable feeling. So intense it swarms my thoughts and catches me unaware. And all I can think is that I want to run out there and sweep her up and just, bloody hell I think I just want to hold her, I'm not sure. Just hold her, stop her shivering, so that I know she won't be cold again. I'm so surprised by the feeling and it spreads such a warm fire in my belly that I almost forget to pull over, for a second, I just keep driving.

Jerking myself alert, my hands frantically grip the steering wheel and I swerve, ignoring the honks from the cars in the other lanes.

Her head shoots around as I pull up, those bright blue eyes looking unaware and panicked. But only for a second and then she's darting in the opposite direction and trying to jump over that fence which leads into one of those fields.

Bleeding hell, when did she become Colin bloody Jackson, is all I can think as I hurl myself over a few fences and follow the misty shadow that's darting as fast it can across these sludgy fields. I realise, as I run after her, that this won't be as easy as I anticipated. My weight actually works against me as I feel the mud suck at my boots and attempt to pull me down, causing big slurps as I yank my mud covered feet out of the ground. Great, and I just cleaned these boots, well spat on them a few times but still.

'Hey!' I call out but the hail sucks in my words, drowning them out. I grit my teeth as more rain hits me in the face and blink furiously trying to clear my vision.

'Hey!' I try again louder, almost tripping over the napsack she's discarded. For crying out loud is she trying to bloody kill me? I curse as I kick out my leg a few times, trying to free it from the strap that's wrapped itself around my boot, probably looking like a complete plonker. Shit, did I lock my DeSoto doors? Any old plonker could......no, I scold myself a few times. Come on Spike try to focus on the more important things going on. Like catching Speedy Gonzales up there. Then suddenly I think of something.

'Arghh!!' Bloody hell even I didn't know I could scream that loud. But it's enough, open half an eye and I watch from my position face down in the wet grassr, covered in mud. Ugh, the things I do for Summers women. This is going to ruin my duster, two hundred and fifty dollars of leather this is. But somehow it's worth it. She's turned, alerted by my shriek and is walking tentatively back so she's easier to see. Faded jeans and dark blue coat, long auburn hair plastered to her face, a hesitant, worried look in her eyes. 'Spike?' I see her lips form the words, although the wind and rain still drowns them out.

Gotcha Nibblet. Spring to my feet quickly, and she looks on horrified, knowing she's been fooled before she turns and tries to start to run again.

'Nuh uh, I don't think so,' I grab her wriggling little body around the waist, she tries to loosen my arms but the grips too strong. She's no match for me. The kid's really struggling now, didn't expect her to put up this much of a fight.

'Hey, hey, calm down, it's just your old pal Spike,' And then the arm that was trying to peel my fingers apart is suddenly raised and I feel a sharp pain on my right cheek. Shocked, I let her go. But she doesn't run this time, just steps backwards with a defiant and stubborn look on her face.

I can't move, just reach up to feel my cheek and the scratch marks there. Stinging more as the rain seeps into them, the blood staining my skin. I really didn't keep my promise did I?

'Yeah well I'm *glad* it hurt!' She splutters angrily at me. Hot with fury, with embarrassment, maybe even with some guilt. I see a touch of her sister in her and it just makes it hurt some more.

My eyes flick to her. 'That isn't what hurts pet,'

She takes a big gulp of air, and wipes some rain or maybe some tears hastily out of her eyes, 'I'm not going back!' She shouts over the rain, full of rage, 'You can't make me,'

I walk closer to her, because I want her to hear me but for some reason I don't want to shout. Even though my cheek is pounding I'm not really actually all that angry. She steps from foot to foot, still holding her chin up defiantly, 'I made a promise that I'd protect you luv,'

'To Buffy?' She spits her name pulling a face, and it makes me wince, 'Yeah well Buffy's gone Spike!'

And I'm still eerily calm, 'No nibblet,' Her nostrils flare as she looks at me, 'To myself,'

She looks down and the anger dissolves, taken away from the rain still covering us both. She shakes her head from side to side, her body starting to shudder not just from the cold but the sobs that are starting to rake through her, 'I just, I couldn't handle being there, it was more than I could take, I just couldn't stand it anymore,'

'I know nibblet, you just had to get away from there,'

'No,' she looks up through the red streaks running down her face and the locks of drenched dark brown hair, 'I had to get away from *me*.'

Even though the wind is wailing like a sodding banshee and the rain is still crashing down, I can't hear it. A silence settles over us and it doesn't look like it's gonna be filled any time soon.

'Come on,' I turn around, abruptly, 'Let's get back to the car,'

'I'm not going back,' I hear her from beind me and can almost see the stubborn stance she's probably in.

'I didn't say you were pet, but I don't know about you, but I'm bloody soaking and this coat probably cost more than your sodding outfit so come on.'

* * * * *

Every child has great ambitions. But as they grow, they're bombarded by negative suggestions - you can't do this; you can't do that; be careful; always be on the look out and so on. Year by year, you experience the realities of life, and your ambitions fade away. I guess figuratively speaking, most children die by the time they reach adulthood.

I can't imagine a time when Buffy was ever really a child.

But now I know why she loved this kid so much and looking at her, what she's going through; just as justified as my own pain, I know why when we suffer anguish we return to some point in our childhood. Because that's the period in which we first learnt to suffer the experience of total loss. No, it's more than that. It's the period in which we suffer more total losses than in all the rest of our life put together.

When she shuts the door, finally muffling the rain somewhat I switch the engine on. Just seems to be some kind of reflex reaction, the heat from the engine will keep up the temperature. Which doesn't matter to me, but it'll keep her warm.

'I'm not going back,' she says with no tone in her voice, just stares straight ahead.

'So you keep telling me,' I light up a cigarette with a heavy drag, the flicker of the lighter momentarily illuminating the inside of the car. Bloody hell it's dark in here. I'm not sure I like the dark anymore, hard to pretend in it. So I flick on the lamps fitted above each door of the DeSoto and they begin to hum gently in the quiet. It's almost comforting. At least there's something to fill the long silences now.

'So if you're not going back and I've promised to protect you what the hell *are* we gonna do?' The fag dangles out of my lips as I speak. She still stares straight ahead, swallowing hard.

'I shouldn't even be here,' She says in a small voice, 'If it was me instead then everyone would be over it now. Xander'd be back at work, Giles wouldn't be drinking himself stupid everynight, Willow wouldn't be failing her exams. If it was me then everyone would have grieved and then they'd move on. We're all nothing without her, you could all cope without me,'

'That's not true pet,' And, I realise, I'm not lieing, 'You know it's not. We'd still be a sorry lot if you'd left us in all. So we'll have none of that. You just gotta give the Scoobies time, that's all.' Still she makes no reaction, 'You're strong luv, you'll get through this.'

'I was only strong because Buffy was by my side,' she replies quickly, her voice full of tears, 'Now all I've got are these fake memories and I can't even make any new ones of her just so that I know for certain they're real because she's not here anymore. Her or mum. I've got nothing.'

'You've got me.'

Our eyes meet. Without anger, without blame for eachother and ourselves. They just...meet. 'That is if you want me. I know that I can be a pain in the ass, I know that I've got no social skills and some really bad habits. I like my drink and my fags and a decent spot of violence every now and then and I'll never be a good guy, but I'll always be here for you.'

I think I see a smile flicker on her face, but she bites down on her lip and swallows it away. Maybe she's storing it inside herself for a better time. I know what she feels like, you feel guilty to smile when Buffy's not around. Because you know she'll never smile again.

God, I wouldn't even care if it was at me. I just wanna see *both* of them smile again. And then suddenly, before I even register what's happening, she's slipped her arms around my waist and is burrowing her head into my chest. Her body engulfed by sobs that soak into my t-shirt, already wet in it's own right with rain. I go stiff for a second. I haven't touched someone in anything other then pain or lust in a thousand years.

Oh God she smells like Buffy, I never realised how much she smells like Buffy. *"The monks made her out of me,"* Bloody hell she is Buffy. She's Buffy and she's more than that, she's Dawn and for some reason she needs me. I'm going to have to stay alive, I'm going to have to carry on bleeding, whether I like it or not. Because it's not just about me now.

Oh yes very clever, very clever God or whoever the hell it is out there in charge of all this bollocks. Is this it? Was this in the plan? I'm suffering now, are you happy?Well, I finallyknow what this feeling is. And I feel like screaming, I feel like running and shouting and then.......no more. Because I know what's watching me.

This is guilt, isn't it? Each time I took a life this is what someone felt like. What I feel like now, what the nibblet feels like. And no I'm still not sure I care that someone else felt like this, but the fact is it could have been Dawn and that's why I know what it is now. It could have been Dawn.

Oh I see now, you needed me to open up my heart, to make it bleed. Very sodding clever, and I bleeding hate you for it.

What? What did you expect? Me to turn over a new leaf? Well you've made a big mistake buddy, because she's more valuable to you then I'll ever be. So don't think for a second that when I'm protecting Dawn that I'm *ever* doing it for you because you took her away from me. You took her away from us. What did she do to deserve this? Why did she have to suffer and be punished for me? Punish me you bastard, have some guts and punish me.

But you are aren't you? In your own twisted way you are. I would have died for her, I didn't expect her to die for us. Damn, I want to scream now and I want to have faith and never doubt. I want to break, I want to sleep and never wake. I want to knock down walls, and escape, be alone, hide my sodding face. Bloody hell I just want this to stop hurting so much. I want to stop wanting her so much.

Suddenly something drops on the nibblet's hair, it's small and barely noticeable. That's when I remember my cheek and I bring up a hand to touch the skin there and realise I'm still bleeding from the jagged scars in my cheek.

*"Blood it's always Blood."*

I give a sigh and the nibblet straightens herself, and for some reason, that I can't explain except for the fact that it feels right, I find myself pressing a kiss to her forehead. She's stopped shivering now, she's finally warm.

'Can we go to Canada?'

I jerk back and release her from my grip, she shuffles back in her seat, 'Canada? What the bloody hell do you wanna go to Canada for?'

'Well I don't know,' She shrugs, 'Somewhere, anywhere, let's just get the hell out of here!'

'Hey,' I give her my best possible stern look, 'No cursing now, what would Giles say?' She just rolls her eyes, 'Anyway haven't you had enough of the rain pet?'

There a small silence until she shakes her head, 'No, not yet,' and then she slips me a smile and it's the most wondrous thing in the world and I can't say no.

'Canada it is then pet,' and with a shake of my head I begin to drive.

And speeding away from midnight feels so good. Good because I've finally lost that being watched feeling, good because I've got some direction now, and good because I've got the only things left that I give a hell about in this car.

But most of all I feel good because I'm on the road again. I'm not thinking about the fact that the Scoobies will probably be on my case when we finally contact them for nicking Dawn and taking off, that I haven't got much cash and don't know where the hell I'm going and most of all because I'm not thinking about her. No that's a lie, I'll always be thinking about her. I wouldn't want it any other way.

But the thing is though, I'm not thinking about how after being given a crumb I let her down. I'm, instead, *rememebering* how good she looks first thing in the morning, that rebellious and arrogant sparkle she gets in her eyes before a fight, I'm remembering the power of her punches and the strength of emotions. I'm remembering the slope of her back and the pout of her lips. I'm remembering her. Just remembering, I'm not really thinking at all.

I'm just singing along with the Pistols, loving the way the Nibblet puts up with it with just a slip of a disappearing grin, letting the cold wind from the window whip in my face, letting the road wash my thoughts clean. Heaviness falls way with each mile we leave behind. I feel....weightless. And the image of her body; broken and bleeding seems to fade as more scenery passes us by and now Dawn's leaning against me, nestling into my jacket.

But then, after a while something begins to nibble at my happiness, or whatever the hell this feeling is. At first the roadsides were lush and green. But now all the scenery is boring and oppressive, anonymous highways flanked by chemical processing plants, cigarette mills, housing developments and the dull blue and green aliminium walls meant to protect them from the noise and smell of the highway and I realise you can't ever really run away from everything. I can't forget who I am, or what's happened. Neither of us can.

I'm going to have to always remember that about grief, it's been so long since I experienced it. That it comes in unexpected surges, mysterious cues that set off the reminder of pain. It'll come crushing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, I don't doubt that, twisting me inside out. But then it'll recede again, leaving me broken.

Oh sometimes baby I don't want to eat, to walk, to get out of bed. Living, talking, listening, driving, hell nothing matters. I really don't want to be distracted from my grief. I feel the tears trickle down my cheeks, and I'm glad Dawn's asleep. I don't want her to see me like this. But really I wouldn't mind dying, I wouldn't mind at all. But you wouldn't like that, would you Slayer? You wouldn't like it one bit.

So this grief will come back, time after time, wave after wave and there'll be nothing I can do about it. I'll just have to let it wash over me because I've made a promise to myself, and Red's right. This is the way you're meant to feel. If you give your heart out, you gotta expect to bleed. But what's wrong with bleeding? If it means that the kid's now asleep next to me, if it means that I got one, just one touch of her lips, just one flicker of her smile. Then bleeding's not that bad, it's really not that bad at all.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible ain't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. Make you bleed. But if you don't let them, if you don't let this one stupid person get inside you, then you risk even more. If you don't give them a piece of you, then how can you ever have a piece of them? So I'm here, crying in the darkness again. Hurting, bleeding, and remembering and loving her clearly then I ever have before. Bloody hell I love love.

* * * * *

"The truest words of all: I will not forget you. You are in my waking thoughts, my sweetest memories, my dearest dreams. I will not forget you. You have touched my soul, opened my eyes, changed my very experience of the universe. I will not forget you. I see you in the flowers, the sunset, the sweep of the horizon and all things that stretch to infinity. I will not forget you. I have carved you on the palm of my hand. I carry you with me forever."