A BREAD CRUMB TRAIL THAT LEADS TO HEAVEN

by - Joyce Renee

TITLE	A BREAD CRUMB TRAIL THAT LEADS TO HEAVEN
AUTHOR	Joyce Renee
DISTRIBUTION	My site: http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/joycerenee , DWD archive, anyone else who wants it, just LMK
DISCLAIMER	I own nothing, not even this &*#!-ing computer!
SUMMARY	(B/S Angst.) Buffy explains to Spike why they can't be together.
NOTE	Takes place after Buffy and crew defeat Glory. Buffy and Spike are really the only characters mentioned. Just assume that everyone came through the fight okay. Also, all is quiet in Sunnydale, no big evil to deal with. **Denotes thought (Spike's)
NOTE 2	This didn't turn out quite the way I had it in my head. If it sucks, I apoligize, I'm suffering a major writer's block and this is a product of desperation!:-) There won't be a sequel.

Spike and Buffy stood nose to nose, glaring angrily at each other, in the vampire's crypt late one hot summer evening.

Since the defeat of Glorificus, Spike had been considered one of the gang. Despite his 'odd obsession' with the Slayer, he'd been readily accepted into the tight-knit group of do-gooders.

As far as Buffy was concerned, Spike had easily stepped into the role of 'friend' and served as protection for Dawn and even Buffy herself. He had kept his feelings to himself, and did everything that he could to make her feel comfortable in his presence. He was pleased to see his efforts paying off. For the past week now, Buffy had made a point to come by and talk with him, almost every day.

Today had been no exception. Things had started off normal... She'd told him of her latest 'Dawn dilemma' and he'd briefed her on the latest 'Passions' episode.

But today, he'd decided that he'd waited long enough. And so, had reminded her of his love.

She'd exploded, much to defensive for someone who, as she claimed, felt nothing for him, he decided.

*Me thinks the Lady doth protest to much*

He grinned at the thought, causing her to glare at him.

Her glare reminded him that he was angry with her blatant refusal to acknowledge that they had a relationship at all.

Unable to listen to her to her feeble, yet extremely loud, protests, he did the only thing he could think of to silence her.

He kissed her.

She struggled against him, trying to push away, but he held tight.

Tremors of pain began in his head as his cold fingers dug into the warm flesh of her bare shoulders, but he ignored them.

He imagined the chip in his head exploding and reducing him to a pile of dust as he finally was able to force his tongue through her tightly closed lips.

*What a way to go!*

And suddenly, it got better.

The pain disappeared, but before that fact had registered in his brain, he realized that she was kissing him back!

*It's about bloody time!*

Spike broke off, abruptly pushing her away.

"See?!! I told you there was something there! Admit it! Admit you bloody felt something!" he practically begged of her.

Buffy held a trembling hand up to her lips as she backed up against the wall, her head shaking in disbelief

"No!" Much to her dismay, it came out as a hoarse whisper, and Spike shot her look that said, 'Oh, please!'.

Buffy sank to the floor, and watched him with wary eyes.

Spike shoved his hands in his pockets, suddenly feeling awkward and uncomfortable in his own home.

It unnerved him to see her looking like that. Her knees were drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped tightly around her legs. She looked vulnerable, lost, and very, very, young.

Yes, she looked like a frightened child who had just lost her parents.

*She is a frightened child who just lost her parents, you nimrod!*

A few moments of strained silence passed between the couple before Buffy was finally able to pull herself together.

Before his eyes, she seemed to transform from a frightened little girl, to a weary old woman.

The Slayer stood, and began to pace as she tried to collect her thoughts.

Spike watched as several emotions crossed her face while she paced.

It was an angry expression that rested on her features when she stopped and began speaking.

"Okay, Spike? I need to talk, and you need to listen! No interruptions, understand?"

It wasn't a question.

He looked at her with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation as he nodded his assent.

"Let's pretend for a moment, that there really is something between us..." she sent him a glare as he opened his mouth to protest.

"You agreed to keep quiet!" she accused.

"Well, I better get my say when you're finished then!" he pouted.

"Okay! So, we're pretending that there's something between us. Have you ever stopped to consider why I refuse to acknowledge it? Spike, ... I'm sorry..., but I just can't allow myself to fall for you."

She sighed and began pacing again.

"When Angel left me, it hurt so bad I thought I was going to die! When Parker used me, I vowed never to let myself fall so fast. When Riley left, I was just beginning to allow myself to love again."

"When Mom died, I discovered a whole new level of pain I never knew existed."

"I think of Dawn, Giles, Willow, and Xander, and how one day I might have to watch them leave, or die, and it scares me beyond words!"

She had to swallow and clear her throat before continuing.

"If I allow myself to fall in love with you......."

She let the sentence trail off as she allowed him to see the longing that was buried deep in her eyes.

"I've defeated the Master, the Mayor, Adam, Glory, and countless other bad guys. I've sent the only man I've every really loved to hell, and watched as he came back into my life and then left again. I've buried the only real parent I've ever had...."

"Spike, I died once! And yet, here I am! Still alive!"

Buffy walked over to Spike, and raised her hand to stroke his face. He closed his eyes, reveling in her warm touch.

"It would be so easy to love you." her whispered confession made his eyes snap open.

She leaned closer, almost touching his lips.

"I could lose myself in you, sleep in your arms.... You could make me forget about all the bad things, and help me carry the burden of protecting the world..."

"But Spike, to fall in love with you, and watch you leave me..."

"I would never..."

She silenced him with a finger to his lips.

"Yes, you would. I know. You'd die, protecting me or someone else. Or, you would decide that you love me so much, that you want me to have more than you can give me. Children, someone to grow old with. You'd leave me if anything ever stopped that chip from going off. You'd decide that you love me too much to hurt me, but you that you need to kill. So you'd go off to somewhere I'd never find you, or have any idea what you were doing."

Her words hit home, their truth shaking him to his very core.

"But I love you, that should be enough!" he pleaded.

"I've already learned the hard way, that it isn't." she told him with a sad smile.

"My heart can't stand another loss. It'd kill me, Spike. And I still have things to do before I go. All I can give you, is my friendship, with no promise of anything more."

"But I..., you... how can you just accept this?!"

Buffy seemed to think about it for a minute.

"You know how Anya is always talking about alternate worlds that are the same as ours, only with a couple of seemingly insignificant differences that drastically make it different? I believe that right now, in some world, far away, you and I are watching the sunrise on a beach that we spent the night making love on. I can hear your steady heartbeat under my ear, and I am completely safe and at peace. I believe in my heart that this place exists, and I see it every time I close my eyes."

Buffy kissed him, and allowed him to hold her for a moment before whispering 'good night' and turning to leave.

"Buffy?" he called.

"Yes?" she stopped, but did not turn around.

"What's the name of this 'alternate world'?"

She sent him a grin over her shoulder.

"Heaven"

Spike watched her until she disappeared from sight, then he smiled.

*I thought I wouldn't get more than a bread crumb. She just threw me the whole bloody loaf!*

The End